you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
