Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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