my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
