I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
