Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
