I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
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