We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize