he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
