his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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