I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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