I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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