You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
