Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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