Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Such a big mess for such a small penis
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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