I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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