I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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