Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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