YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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