My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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