I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
