the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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