don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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