No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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