hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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