I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Just pee around me
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
