So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize