Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
