Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
