woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
