he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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