Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
