Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
