all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
