the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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