Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
