It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
