I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
