I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
