Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
