I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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