also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Randomize