Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
