if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It's shark week go big or go home
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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