My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
