here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
