shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
