i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
