I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
