end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
