my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
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