I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize