how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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