I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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