Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
