also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
