she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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