I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
