i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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