hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
