So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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