just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
