My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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