$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
