I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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