I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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